I feel depressed today.  I've been feeling depressed most days because of the loss of my marriage and the point I'm at in my life due to choices I made that I thought were for the best.  I decided to get my MBA rather than my MD so I could be here for my wife, who is in the military.  It's a choice I would have never made on my own and isn't exactly what I want for myself.  I will find a way to make it all work though.  I've been feeling like everything is over and like my wife isn't willing to put in the work to continue with our marriage.  It's been exhausting trying to stay on top of work and school with everything going on mentally.  I need to find strength from within to hold it all together for my kids and I.  I just have no motivation to do anything.  My house is becoming a bit of a mess.  Reading this now, I feel like I've been putting too much into her choices in my ability to be happy at this point.  Again, uncertainty is hard for me especially when it's something I hold dear.  I feel like I'm watching the slow and painful death of a beloved one.  I hold on to hope that our love will survive but for now, I have to watch in agony as everything I've held so dear slips away.  The only thing I have control over is my attitude and frankly, I haven't been doing a good job of controlling how I feel.  I'm drowning.

Today I got my final hiv results and I am negative! I've still been obsessing about my relationship which has brought me feelings of extreme depression and anxiety. I keep running through what will be rather than focusing on myself and my recovery. I decided that I do not want to drink or smoke pot anymore. Drinking with others including my significant other is probably fine but I'm just not there right now and besides that, there is no one in my life that I want to drink with. No reason to. I just want peace. How do I get it? Being hiv negative is a huge deal, I've been very worried! Smoking pot has been a big distraction for how I should be handling my feelings and processing things. Sometimes it has made me feel confident and happy while other times it has filled me with self doubt. Enough is enough! That certainly has not given me peace. I think I'm the most at peace when I'm taking to my family and friends and taking my mind off of the situation. I have counseling today so I'm excited to see how that goes. I want to tell him about my fear, about my traumas and about my depression and anxiety. I'm looking for answers on how to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing whether my marriage will work. I want to give my wife all the time she needs to work things through but it's hard to keep a flame lit for her. I want to give up on her and be delighted if she comes back. I want to let her go in my mind but keep her in my heart just in case. Maybe that's how I get peace. All I know is that time and work heals all wounds and makes us stronger. I want to be a stronger better person.

My therapist says I'm supposed to write in here every day. Right now, I'm fucked up on xanax waiting for jury duty. I've been feeling deeply depressed. I'm going to get on meds today. I can't stop thinking about my wife. What I'll say when she leaves, the joy I'll feel if she stays. What I'll tell the kids. Basically every detail of everything we've ever done said or will do or say. I think I am going actually crazy. I know I need to stop and take care of myself, I just don't know how at the moment. I'm sure I'll figure it all out. I am strong.

Hey Wife,

I know we haven't talked in a while but I hope all is well with you.  Sometimes I think about you and my heart feels like it's going to explode.  I miss you and love you and am hurt by you.  I wonder if you think of me at all.  I wonder if you love me.  This process of you disconnecting to find the answers has been painful, but it's somehow beautiful in its simplicity.  I am trying to have hope through the pain and to give you what you need.

 Where am I now? That's what I need to ask myself daily. How do I separate this all out?

Dear Kie,

You leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I did love you and I blindly accepted a lot of things about you because I wanted our marriage to work.  It was shameful that I would get married in front of all our family and friends and then get divorced right away.  I wanted to hang onto the idea of you more than you in reality.  In reality, you were cruel.  You were selfish and controlling.  You were completely antisocial.  You didn't show love towards my kids, our kids.  You wanted the world from me but it was like pulling teeth to get anything in return.  Literally anything.  Money, attention, help, companionship, sex, compassion.  It was like the minute we got married you built a wall around yourself so you could feel safe.  I gave and gave and gave but nothing was ever good enough for you.  I wasn't perfect and I will not ever claim to be.  I know where my faults lied, but I was always willing to work on them.  Most of all, I was willing to love you unconditionally.  Your love had many conditions that I couldn't live up to.  You wanted me to wait on you hand and foot, pay for everything, stay with you in your isolation...  I think that was the hardest part.  Staying with you in your isolation was not a possibility for me and it was so sad to go everywhere without you all the time.  And then when we did go somewhere you would get exhausted of being around people after a couple of hours and you would hole up by yourself and be weird or we would have to leave.
You wanted to control everything and if you were not in control of things, it was obviously an attack against you.  Remember that time you were planning Heaven's birthday party that you weren't going to be at and you refused to tell me what the plans were because "you had it under control"?  Fucking crazy shit.
Plus you were paranoid about everything.  I couldn't tell anyone that you worked for the government.  I couldn't tell my friends what you did for a living when they asked.  Plus you worked in psychological operations for the fucking Army.  The ARMY.  Where they train you to not have a soul.  You could justify all of the fucked up shit that you did for the army.  Plus, you wanted me to live on base.  I would have done anything for you because I married you and I really loved your intelligence and your sense of humor but there was so much wrong.  You wanted me to have babies, which I would have done years ago or after we first got married but now I'm getting older and I do not want kids.  Plus I would have been a stay at home mom.  On a military base.  I cannot imagine life being any more shitty.  I really dodged a bullet.
Oh and your anger.  Your every day scowl.  Your cruel comments.  Your temper.  Your misery.
I am so happy that you left.  I feel deeply that the universe has a plan for me and it includes happiness.  It includes doing good and living in Africa and traveling not only to whatever base you happen to be on, but the whole world.
I thank you for teaching me what I don't want.  I thank you for helping me find Ben.  I thank you for helping me find Lisa.  I thank you for helping me discover this fucking amazing conversation I'm having with Nic about compassion and forgiveness.
I need empathy.  I need forgiveness.  I need transparency and genuineness.  I need vulnerability.
You had none of these.
Thank you.  You have been my biggest lesson and my life is better for it all.

I love you,

Jenny

I feel like the storm has passed.  The wind is still blowing, there is a mist trickling down into the blowing wind.  It wets my face, but the storm.  That terrible fucking storm has passed.  Now, I walk this road before me.  Without her.  She gets to walk her own road.  It's going to be terrible.  For her.  But that's my opinion because I like light and happiness and she prefers grey and misery.  So maybe it will be fine for her.  But for sure mine will be filled with magic and adventure and freedom.  Happiness is right before me.  It is mine to touch.  All I have to do is reach out my hand and sometimes I can but sometimes it burns.  I'm trying to figure out that burning feeling so I can endure happiness always.  I met a girl who makes me happy.  Though, to be sure, I can be happy on my own.  I just prefer a partner to travel with and go to dinner with and watch tv with.  I might be in love.  It's a possibility.  I will be happy and healthy and want for nothing in the future though.  Guaranteed.