Words that describe me:
Caring
Strong
Determined
Laid Back
Dreamer
Magical
Hopeful
Forgiving
Fierce
Cool
Sincere

So, I was raped.  It's been close to a year ago.  What has that meant for me?  It would probably be wrong to say that everything happens for a reason at this point, but maybe everything did.  I'll start from today and go backwards.
I am dating this woman named Lisa.  She enjoys doing things for me.  She is good at showing me that she loves me.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed by joy when I think about her.  She is beautiful and is a good person.  Like, everything I could wish for.  That's who she is.  I am feeling blessed.
My job.  Is not what I pictured myself doing but it's a good job.  I'm making more money than I ever have in the past and I have been able to afford some really nice things.  I don't have to worry about money anymore.  I'm not a huge fan of sitting in a cube all day long, but I am providing and I enjoy what I do generally.
I am going to school for finance.  I decided that I want to get into investment banking and make a lot of money so that I can funnel it to doing good.  I am getting my masters.  My parents didn't make it past 6th grade.  I am blessed.
My kids are doing well.  They had a hard time at first with Kierra leaving, but they are getting back on track.  They are my backbone and my tribe.  I love them more than anything.
6 months ago my wife left.  3 months ago I met Lisa.  The time in between was unbearable.  I was so heartbroken and hurt.  I blamed Kierra for who she is as a person, which I can't do.  Yes it hurt but it's proof of who she is.  It was a strange thing.  She drifted farther and farther away until she was gone.  Faded herself from my life and from the lives of my children.  I was disillusioned but now I see reality for what it is.  It was a rude awakening.
I was raped almost a year ago.  Kierra blamed me, she couldn't wrap her head around it.  She became the victim.  I took care of her rather than even thinking about taking care of myself.  I had no home to run to.  No warmth.  It wore on me.  It sucked.  I didn't deal with it until recently.  The rape shattered my life but opened by eyes to truths.
The truths:
My marriage stood on unstable ground- Keirra could have never been the person I needed her to be
There are shitty people in the world
Violence against women is real
Rape culture is unacceptable
I can survive and thrive in any circumstance- I am strong!
Even when I don't have the support of my partner, I have my friends and family

To summarize.  I was raped and as a result, my wife left me.  I got to see her true character and I'm glad that I did sooner than later.  Our marriage was short, but long enough to teach me lessons about what I want from a relationship and the dangers of not being vulnerable.  I found that my family and friends are important and most of all that I am strong.  I can come out of any situation better than I entered it.  I am awake now.  I am aware of rape culture and disparities against women. I have a new, healthy relationship and I am able to be a better mother, partner and friend.

Ben,

I have been really focusing on my relationship or lack thereof.  I feel heartbroken that she has left our family.  I constantly think of her.  What she's thinking, my hurt, her hurt.  Things she's said.  It feels unhealthy.

Ugh, I'm feeling very depressed...  Kierra told me that she's not in love with me yesterday.  I know she needs to get help to figure things out and we both need healing.  I need to work on myself and it's only been two months.  Stop being sad Jenny, you're strong and everything is going to be okay.

Hey Kie,

It's been two months now since you've been gone.  I miss you and love you.  I wish that I could crawl into your head to figure out what you're feeling and how I can help.  I know that this all needs to be figured out on your time, so I won't push you or bother you with how I'm feeling.  I understand that you're overwhelmed and just now trying to sort things out.  I will be here for you forever.  I am your wife and I'm doing my best.  Sometimes I visualize you picking up the phone and making an appointment with Ben.  I wish I could make you do it, but I know you have to do it when you're ready.  I'm praying that today will be the day you decide to make a change for yourself and for us.  I know it's hard for you.  I'm busy working hard and doing all of the things that terrify me.  I'm sending you all the healing energy and all of the strength that is left in me.  You are the one.  Even though I've been hurt in all of this a million times over.  You are my heart.  

Hey girls.  I just want to say that we love you both more than anything in the whole world.  Kierra and I have been unhappy for a while and have not been able to treat each other the way that we both need to be treated.  We feel that it would be the best choice at this point to live apart and get a divorce.  Do you have any questions or thoughts?  I just want to let you know that we are both here for you and we want to hear about how you're feeling through all of this.  All I know for certain is that things in life don't always happen like you would have hoped.  And when things go wrong, we have to feel our feelings, talk about them until they feel a little better and find strength from our experiences and move forward with love and kindness.  I promise that this will work out for the best and we will all be happy in the long run.

I feel depressed today.  I've been feeling depressed most days because of the loss of my marriage and the point I'm at in my life due to choices I made that I thought were for the best.  I decided to get my MBA rather than my MD so I could be here for my wife, who is in the military.  It's a choice I would have never made on my own and isn't exactly what I want for myself.  I will find a way to make it all work though.  I've been feeling like everything is over and like my wife isn't willing to put in the work to continue with our marriage.  It's been exhausting trying to stay on top of work and school with everything going on mentally.  I need to find strength from within to hold it all together for my kids and I.  I just have no motivation to do anything.  My house is becoming a bit of a mess.  Reading this now, I feel like I've been putting too much into her choices in my ability to be happy at this point.  Again, uncertainty is hard for me especially when it's something I hold dear.  I feel like I'm watching the slow and painful death of a beloved one.  I hold on to hope that our love will survive but for now, I have to watch in agony as everything I've held so dear slips away.  The only thing I have control over is my attitude and frankly, I haven't been doing a good job of controlling how I feel.  I'm drowning.

Today I got my final hiv results and I am negative! I've still been obsessing about my relationship which has brought me feelings of extreme depression and anxiety. I keep running through what will be rather than focusing on myself and my recovery. I decided that I do not want to drink or smoke pot anymore. Drinking with others including my significant other is probably fine but I'm just not there right now and besides that, there is no one in my life that I want to drink with. No reason to. I just want peace. How do I get it? Being hiv negative is a huge deal, I've been very worried! Smoking pot has been a big distraction for how I should be handling my feelings and processing things. Sometimes it has made me feel confident and happy while other times it has filled me with self doubt. Enough is enough! That certainly has not given me peace. I think I'm the most at peace when I'm taking to my family and friends and taking my mind off of the situation. I have counseling today so I'm excited to see how that goes. I want to tell him about my fear, about my traumas and about my depression and anxiety. I'm looking for answers on how to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing whether my marriage will work. I want to give my wife all the time she needs to work things through but it's hard to keep a flame lit for her. I want to give up on her and be delighted if she comes back. I want to let her go in my mind but keep her in my heart just in case. Maybe that's how I get peace. All I know is that time and work heals all wounds and makes us stronger. I want to be a stronger better person.

My therapist says I'm supposed to write in here every day. Right now, I'm fucked up on xanax waiting for jury duty. I've been feeling deeply depressed. I'm going to get on meds today. I can't stop thinking about my wife. What I'll say when she leaves, the joy I'll feel if she stays. What I'll tell the kids. Basically every detail of everything we've ever done said or will do or say. I think I am going actually crazy. I know I need to stop and take care of myself, I just don't know how at the moment. I'm sure I'll figure it all out. I am strong.

Hey Wife,

I know we haven't talked in a while but I hope all is well with you.  Sometimes I think about you and my heart feels like it's going to explode.  I miss you and love you and am hurt by you.  I wonder if you think of me at all.  I wonder if you love me.  This process of you disconnecting to find the answers has been painful, but it's somehow beautiful in its simplicity.  I am trying to have hope through the pain and to give you what you need.

I feel like the storm has passed.  The wind is still blowing, there is a mist trickling down into the blowing wind.  It wets my face, but the storm.  That terrible fucking storm has passed.  Now, I walk this road before me.  Without her.  She gets to walk her own road.  It's going to be terrible.  For her.  But that's my opinion because I like light and happiness and she prefers grey and misery.  So maybe it will be fine for her.  But for sure mine will be filled with magic and adventure and freedom.  Happiness is right before me.  It is mine to touch.  All I have to do is reach out my hand and sometimes I can but sometimes it burns.  I'm trying to figure out that burning feeling so I can endure happiness always.  I met a girl who makes me happy.  Though, to be sure, I can be happy on my own.  I just prefer a partner to travel with and go to dinner with and watch tv with.  I might be in love.  It's a possibility.  I will be happy and healthy and want for nothing in the future though.  Guaranteed.  

I was raped on March 3rd, 2016.  I had been through all kinds of hell, but nothing could prepare me for the aftermath of that night.

I was in Las Vegas, celebrating my best friend’s birthday but she had gotten sick that night.  I put her to bed and planned on going to a concert by myself.  There were people in our high class hotel from all over the world who came to Las Vegas for a huge rugby match.  I met so many beautiful men and Women from Caribbean islands and Africa at the beginning of the concert.  Me and my best friend danced until she literally could not stand up anymore.  She had two shots of tequila and was done.  So I ordered a drink in the lobby bar by myself.  A thin, short black man offered to pay for my drink and I obliged.  I am married but usually don’t turn down a free drink from a friendly face.  By the time I talk to most men about my life, they gain an understanding that they don’t have a chance.  His face was friendly.  He actually looked like my friend Jameel, so we had a drink and talked.  He said that him and his friends were having a party in their hotel room and I should come.  He had connections to the artist who was performing. It sounded great, I wouldn’t be alone and would meet some new people.  

We passed through the glass elevators and chatted warmly.  He opened the door to the room and I could tell that it was inhabited by a large group.  There were cases of beer everywhere, disheveled clothes.  To be honest the room was a pigsty.  We sat at the table next to the double beds and talked more.  I told him about my wife and my kids.  He tried to make a pass at me a couple of times, but I brushed it off.  Yup, I’m super gay dude.  I looked at the door.  He kept texting his friends and said they should be there any moment.  He seemed nervous.  I waited with him and a dark energy surfaced.  He talked about having sex with his cousin and I got freaked out.  I’m pretty accepting of all kinds of people and it felt like something crazy ass Jameel would say, so I let it pass and waited for the party to begin.  I remember that door more than anything for how long I stared at it, willing for it to open and let in new friends.  

From there on out, things get hazy.  How did I end up on the floor, pushed against the wall?  I remember him on top of me.  I remember telling him no.  I was on my period.  I was a lesbian.  NO.  NO.  No…  I pushed him and felt suffocated.  I felt weak.  I was surprised that such a small person could be so heavy.  I couldn’t feel my body.  I don’t know what happened to this day.  I felt clear and strong suddenly and pushed him off of me. I ran upstairs to my room and looked in the mirror.  I remember my make up running with tears down my eyes and cheeks.  I remember people in the hallway asking if I was okay.  I laughed in a panic, yeah fine, just making my way to my room.  I remember the feeling in my chest as I laid down.  I felt my vagina, trying to figure out what happened.  Where were my panties?  My mind spun out of control, trying to figure it out.  I woke up the next morning.  My tampon was still in and I wasn’t in pain.  Nothing happened. Maybe I was overreacting. I felt uneasy though.  What did he do to me?  I had never had anyone force themselves on me.  I had never not been in control of my body.  I woke up and felt fear.  I had been in many dangerous situations in my past, but never felt true fear.  I drank all day to try and calm the panic, but every time I looked around I was scared my eyes would meet his gaze.  I heard someone call out “bitch” at some point and ran to the bathroom to hide.  I could hear the blood swishing in my ears. We had to leave the hotel.  We gambled the night away and I tried to forget.  I was going to make sure that my best friend had a good time. I wouldn’t tell anyone.  What would I say anyway?  I wanted to tell my best friend but I couldn’t.  I didn’t want her to remember her birthday by my assault.  I felt emotionless.  Only fear and panic.

I arrived home and tried to forget.  I vowed to never tell a soul.  Shame and fear washed over me.  I was so happy to see my wife.  I had missed her and we fought after all of this happened.  I just couldn’t think straight.  I kept playing that night over and over in my head.  I remember driving to work and missing my turn two days in a row.  What happened?  Did he rape me?  Get it out of my head.  I wanted relief from the fear and found it in her touch as we laid down.  I was careful not to exchange fluids because I didn’t know what happened.  I was so relieved from her touch but I was still panicked. My mind raced. I couldn't think about anything but that night.  I was short tempered and snapped every time I was awoken from my terrifying daydreams.

Then my vagina started to discharge oddly and my glands in my pelvis hurt.  Had he given me something?  What did he do to me?  I told myself it was a natural infection and bought supplements to clear it up, but it only got worse.  I slipped away from work one afternoon and went to the women’s clinic.  The nurse practitioner asked me why I wanted an exam and the floodgates opened.  I told her everything.  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I told her how afraid I was.  She told me there was support and that everything would be okay.  She told me that this situation was sadly common in her office.  Did I need someone to talk to?  No, I didn’t want to tell a soul.  She told me that if I didn’t get help, things would bubble up at some  point.  I would need help.  

I was so ashamed.  I felt so stupid.  I trusted someone and he violated my body.  Just like my mom always told me, you can’t trust any man.  Just like my wife told me, there are bad people out there.  I never wanted to believe it.  I never wanted to lose my sense of trust in humanity.  But there I was.  I waited on pins and needles for the results to come back.  Two days later, the nurse had called, left a message and wanted me to call her back.  I tested positive for gonorrhea.  More tears.  Lots more tears.  She told me I had to tell my wife.  Chances were low that I transmitted it to her, but we had to be safe.  There were no guidelines for lesbians when it came to these kinds of STDs.  My wife would blame me, I knew it.  She would think I was stupid or think I was a slut.  I was dirty now. That man had not only taken control of my body that night but had passed disease on to me. I had put my wife in danger.   

I mustered the courage to tell her and she handled it calmly.  She was very inquisitive.  What had happened?  Oh, people get raped sometimes.  It happens all the time, no big deal.  She got raped herself once.  I felt strange and at ease.  I couldn’t believe it was going to be okay.  We got treatment.  The next day she asked why I lied, why didn’t I tell her?  I was scared that she would blame me, I tried to explain.  I could sense that she didn't believe me. She thought I had slutted it up in Las Vegas and came back with a story. Why would I lie? She just couldn’t handle it.  She exploded with emotion, which she couldn’t process.  I cried and felt a pain in my soul that I thought might kill me.  I was supposed to trust her and always be honest, but I reacted the way most rape victims do and violated her trust as a consequence. The fear and shame outweighed my need to be honest. I thought I could sweep it under the rug and move on with my life. I told myself in my head that I wasn't going to let it make me weak. I would come out of this stronger, better. But now, all of my fear and panic manifested in her leaving me as I sobbed.

She packed her things and stayed with a friend for a week.  I spiraled down.  I didn’t know how to handle any of it.  I especially didn’t know how to handle it alone, without the person I loved the most.  We went to counseling a couple of times.  When I came back home from Vegas, I wanted to express my fear without telling her about the assault so I lied.  I told her that I was afraid I would get raped but I wound up safe.  I withheld information from her and I hate myself for it.  I put her at risk by seeking out her touch as comfort. It felt right at the time, but now it feels extremely selfish. What was I thinking? My wife was having a hard time forgiving me for the lie.  We talked about how she thought I might have just cheated.  Because I had lied, it opened up a world of false possibilities.  I understood on some level but felt so hurt.  How could she not understand how scared I was? Didn't she understand that my mind was fucked? I couldn't make any good decisions when I was replaying the night of my rape over and over and over in my mind.  My heart races now just thinking about it. Someone violated my body and my mind didn't know how to handle it. I wanted her to hold me and tell me everything was okay.  I felt fear now. Didn't she love me? I had never been afraid but now I was scared every time a man walked by as I was climbing the stairwell alone at work. She told me it would take time to forgive me, so I gave her time.  Six months later, she still wasn’t sleeping with me.  I felt dirty still. I felt ashamed.  I was hurt and just wanted for my marriage to be okay.  I didn’t worry about healing myself.  My marriage was my concern, but just like the nurse said, things bubbled up.  I started smoking weed to calm the rage I felt all of the time.  To wake me from my depression.  I turned inward for comfort. I just wanted her to accept me, to touch me.  To make me feel like I was an okay person.  Then one day she did and it was wonderful.  Not perfect, because she was still afraid of my body but it felt good nonetheless and sent me into a new world of happiness.  She loved me again!  I couldn’t reciprocate completely, I was still healing from the whole thing but we were making progress!  Sweet sweet progress.  I felt happy for the first time since March 3rd.  

Maybe the road to progress was too hard on us, because a week later she left.  She’s been gone for a month.  She still doesn’t trust me because I lied.  The distance that was forged during the subsequent six months was oppressive but irresistible for us both. Now the distance grows and engulfs me sometimes. I fight against it, but it pushes back. I am helpless. Anger and distrust filled the space where we used to hold each other on a daily basis.  I felt alone.  Now I am alone.  I want to fight for everything to be okay. I send out prayers of love and peace for my little family. Sometimes I cry in the car on my way home from work. Sometimes I lose control. It's the best I can do. In all of this, I've intertwined my need to forgive myself with my need for forgiveness. I wish I had a time machine.  I would have never gone to Vegas.  I would have never left my friend and tried to go see the show by myself.  I would have stayed home and maybe everything would be okay.  The least I could have done was comfort my wife through all of this. She was hurting too. But I cannot undo the past.  I still can't wrap my mind around it all. I don't want to address the way I feel about men, maybe being afraid of men is the way I should feel. Maybe I'm really never safe. This was a lesson in how fucked up life is. The bad in people. All I can do now is work on healing.  Work on feeling okay with my body.  Work on feeling in control, feeling like it wasn’t my fault.  I can work on the fear, distrust and most of all forgiving myself and my attacker. Forgive my wife for not believing me, for the devastation of it all.  And move forward.  Maybe things will get better with time.