Today I got my final hiv results and I am negative! I've still been obsessing about my relationship which has brought me feelings of extreme depression and anxiety. I keep running through what will be rather than focusing on myself and my recovery. I decided that I do not want to drink or smoke pot anymore. Drinking with others including my significant other is probably fine but I'm just not there right now and besides that, there is no one in my life that I want to drink with. No reason to. I just want peace. How do I get it? Being hiv negative is a huge deal, I've been very worried! Smoking pot has been a big distraction for how I should be handling my feelings and processing things. Sometimes it has made me feel confident and happy while other times it has filled me with self doubt. Enough is enough! That certainly has not given me peace. I think I'm the most at peace when I'm taking to my family and friends and taking my mind off of the situation. I have counseling today so I'm excited to see how that goes. I want to tell him about my fear, about my traumas and about my depression and anxiety. I'm looking for answers on how to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing whether my marriage will work. I want to give my wife all the time she needs to work things through but it's hard to keep a flame lit for her. I want to give up on her and be delighted if she comes back. I want to let her go in my mind but keep her in my heart just in case. Maybe that's how I get peace. All I know is that time and work heals all wounds and makes us stronger. I want to be a stronger better person.