Dear Kie,

You leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I did love you and I blindly accepted a lot of things about you because I wanted our marriage to work.  It was shameful that I would get married in front of all our family and friends and then get divorced right away.  I wanted to hang onto the idea of you more than you in reality.  In reality, you were cruel.  You were selfish and controlling.  You were completely antisocial.  You didn't show love towards my kids, our kids.  You wanted the world from me but it was like pulling teeth to get anything in return.  Literally anything.  Money, attention, help, companionship, sex, compassion.  It was like the minute we got married you built a wall around yourself so you could feel safe.  I gave and gave and gave but nothing was ever good enough for you.  I wasn't perfect and I will not ever claim to be.  I know where my faults lied, but I was always willing to work on them.  Most of all, I was willing to love you unconditionally.  Your love had many conditions that I couldn't live up to.  You wanted me to wait on you hand and foot, pay for everything, stay with you in your isolation...  I think that was the hardest part.  Staying with you in your isolation was not a possibility for me and it was so sad to go everywhere without you all the time.  And then when we did go somewhere you would get exhausted of being around people after a couple of hours and you would hole up by yourself and be weird or we would have to leave.
You wanted to control everything and if you were not in control of things, it was obviously an attack against you.  Remember that time you were planning Heaven's birthday party that you weren't going to be at and you refused to tell me what the plans were because "you had it under control"?  Fucking crazy shit.
Plus you were paranoid about everything.  I couldn't tell anyone that you worked for the government.  I couldn't tell my friends what you did for a living when they asked.  Plus you worked in psychological operations for the fucking Army.  The ARMY.  Where they train you to not have a soul.  You could justify all of the fucked up shit that you did for the army.  Plus, you wanted me to live on base.  I would have done anything for you because I married you and I really loved your intelligence and your sense of humor but there was so much wrong.  You wanted me to have babies, which I would have done years ago or after we first got married but now I'm getting older and I do not want kids.  Plus I would have been a stay at home mom.  On a military base.  I cannot imagine life being any more shitty.  I really dodged a bullet.
Oh and your anger.  Your every day scowl.  Your cruel comments.  Your temper.  Your misery.
I am so happy that you left.  I feel deeply that the universe has a plan for me and it includes happiness.  It includes doing good and living in Africa and traveling not only to whatever base you happen to be on, but the whole world.
I thank you for teaching me what I don't want.  I thank you for helping me find Ben.  I thank you for helping me find Lisa.  I thank you for helping me discover this fucking amazing conversation I'm having with Nic about compassion and forgiveness.
I need empathy.  I need forgiveness.  I need transparency and genuineness.  I need vulnerability.
You had none of these.
Thank you.  You have been my biggest lesson and my life is better for it all.

I love you,

Jenny